What country is New Mexico in?

My bachelor recap was on hold as we had a couple slow weeks as even   Chris Harrison could not come out and sell us that we about to witness the most dramatic event in bachelor history.

The previous two weeks reinforced the fact our boy was a farmer and the producers created various farm events to sort out the ladies. But even our farmer Chris will affirm that catching a pig is not the best indicator of true love about to blossom.

But the good news to last week’s episode is that crazy Ashley S got a fork in her and we still have the murderer and a few other candidates to assume the mantle of the crazy chick.

We learn the girls will be heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico and this seems like fun.

Megan, who previously broke into Chris’s apartment and donned a motorcycle helmet which triggered the desire to run head on into the walls, offers she is excited to be leaving the country. She continues mentioning she is packing her bikini for the beach and at this point I am vaulting her to the top seed of the wacky crowd ratcheting higher than even the murderer chick. I think one can be a bit forgiving on a lot with this show but she doesn’t know New Mexico is?  I would guess she skipped the exercise of learning the state capitals we did early on with the cherubs.      

Chris ends up on a one on one with Britt who somehow we learn tends not to shower. I was worried about Britt last week when she committed the cardinal sin of whining to Chris about “where she stands” and “what’s with all these other girls when I thought I was the chosen one”. But Chris saved the last rose for her in what should have been a message of don’t bother about anyone but yourself.

She prepares for her one on one by sleeping with lots of makeup and clothes and heads out for a balloon flight which does offer us freezing New Englanders a nice view of the blue skies, canyons and mountains. Britt comes back to the house and relays she had a nice two hour “nap” with our farmer and everyone in Bachelor Nation, especially the girls left  rolls their eyes at that report.  I remain still uncomfortable about the lack of showering and eliminate her from my final four. I mean she has a lot of time on her hands and pools everywhere, I would think weaving in a shower every day ought not to be too difficult – on the other hand she didn’t seem stunned to learn New Mexico was in the US so she has that going for her. Chris on the other hand is fumbling through so many scenes Eileen starts to reminiscence about the “good old days” with Juan Pablo.

We do get even more clutter when the previously exiled lush Jordan returns unannounced to see if Chris will give her another window.  Jordan confesses she was drunk most of the time which inhibited her giving a good shot at true love. Yep, it takes a savvy one to recognize passing out is not helpful to distinguish yourself in a crowd of contestants’ .In her favor though .she is well aware New Mexico is a state so she has some plusses to base her case.   After a brief reprieve, Chris reconsiders and sends her packing again reinforcing the rule there are no seconds chances in the Bachelor. At least, we are comforted that nutjob Ashley S is not lurking around the corner attempting her comeback.

This distraction has helped us forget how much we dislike Ashley I and her fake eyelashes. But just one quick comment from her on any topic reestablishes she is more high maintenance than a Beverley Hills housewife.   I check to see if I can text Chris to put us out of our misery and let her go RIGHT NOW but we move on before we start throwing things at the TV. Summy has starting to bark whenever she appears which we interpret as a negative for her prospects as Summy is always right about people.

This Jordan distraction gets us restless for some drama but thankfully we have our murderer to thank for spicing thing up. It seems Kelsey has not had a chance to report her sad story to Chris and the Bachelor Nation. She laments she would feel terrible if Chris tossed her before knowing her “amazing story”.

So while everyone is resting, Kelsey sneaks to Chris’s room and sits down to relay her hubby was wonderful and loving but had the misfortune of being named Sanderson  and dropping dead walking to work. I admit having doubts if this guy “Sanderson” exists as who has the name Sanderson? And even less plausible who walks to work? In Texas???

Anyway, she spills all this to Chris who looks sympathetic and responds with the only thing he seems to know to do under any circumstance or news – he leans over to kiss her. Well, mercifully that is behind us now and we all know Kelsey is a widow. I make the market 8-5 this is all made up and Sanderson never existed either before he died or after.

If he did exist though, being married to Kelsey would be enough to stop an Olympic marathoner’s heart.

But if he did exist, this chick gives the sense that she is conniving enough to have killed Sanderson just to have an “amazing story” to tell on the bachelor. Maybe she has upped the ante so to speak for Chris Harrison to tease us with the most dramatic moment …..

Kelsey is really proud of her self now and tells the other girls she will be sad to see someone leave.

Her tone is such that she is saying she is a definite keeper and it is too bad the rest of them have to go.

Ai-yi-yi !!! She is really gone off the wall.

  Ok so we finally see Chris Harrison who informs the ladies that no cocktail party as our boy knows what he wants to do in the rose ceremony. We know what to do as well (keep Jade and the funny dance instructor from Vancouver and toss Ashley, Megan, Kelsey and Britt).

Our boy arrives and true to form stumbles through the rose ceremony prep speech and walks off saying this is too emotional. The girls start eyeing each other like the showdown scene in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly (great scene: see it on you tube with Clint, Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef)

Then Kelsey stomps off and next we see her crying in a hallway requiring medical attention. Summy is really barking now and (please Chris send her home send her anywhere. And Kelsey take Megan with you although you will need to give Megan precise directions. I can’t let this go. She didn’t know where New Mexico is???

Anyway, no rose ceremony and we wait until next week for Chris Harrison to announce yet again the most dramatic ……

Did Sanderson fake his own death?

We left with our boy Chris balking at the rose ceremony because the emotional pressure seemed too much. Sitting here I think he could let 5 go without blinking but the producers know they need conflict and drama even if silly versions of it so let’s wait Chris out.

 Earlier our murderer Kelsey feigned some sort of panic attack requiring Chris to come to the rescue. Kelsey had revealed her tragic past (which graduated to “amazing story” later) to Chris peaking with the news that her 28 year old hubby “Sanderson” dropped dead walking to work.

At this point, I have severe doubts about Sanderson’s existence but if he did exist and die then I am totally convinced this guy faked his own death after a month with Kelsey and is hiding somewhere in a remote part of the world under disguise and an assumed name.  I am leaning to the Aleutian Islands as Sandy would know the bachelor helicopter is not likely to bring the murderer to his hut.

Finally, our farmer finally summons the courage to continue with the rose ceremony and tosses out Mackenzie and Samantha. We hear from the girls that Samantha, about whom we have seen and heard nothing, harbors some dark tragedy which might be as painful as being a NY Jets fan all her life. Mackenzie swears she won’t be able to handle this rejection but she is 21.If this is the worst thing that happens in her life she will be blessed.

 But Kelsey the murderer survives he cut and gives the girls a condescending smile as if she has the magic formula and is keeping it to herself.  She offers to the girls that this comes naturally to her since she is so smart.  The last people I recall announcing how smart they were ran Enron and now are guests of the state wearing orange every day.

Later in an interview with Chris Harrison, Chris calls her out on this saying the girls thought she was condescending, faked a panic attack and claimed she was smarter than anyone in the house.  Kelsey responds by saying she believed a flippant comment was misconstrued and she would hope to ameliorate the situation. Well I was pleased to hear Kelsey’s expanding vocabulary as ameliorate is a word we used in our vocabulary rides home from swim practice. Of course Kelly and Stephie were in 7^th grade at the time.

Anyway, our farmer takes the ladies to South Dakota where we meet some crazy musicians Bob and Rich. One wears short hair and a cowboy hat. He looks like he tried out for the show Texas Rangers. The other guy looks like a cross between the Cat in the Hat and the guy in Les Miserable’s singing Master of the House.

Anyway, our boy gets to sing (I can only hope he does a better job a farming and George Michael will not be losing sleep over a new pop star emerging  )

After we cringe through that I wonder if Whitney is thinking of doing this song as a mime. I have to concede though I have come around on Whitney even though her voice needs some help. She is the most mature of the lot and doesn’t predicate everything with an OMG! Nor uses “like" every third word. Carly on her one on one used “like” 27 times (yes, I was counting and she didn’t have that much air time). But Carly is the clear master of this singing/ songwriter exercise as it fits right into her wheelhouse. But Chris is smitten with our city chick Britt. Britt seems to get Chris’s full attention and he whisks her off to a Bob and Rich concert in Deadwood ND.  The concert people are ready for Chris and Britt. Soon after entering, up on the stage they go where Britt is having the time of her life.  Afterwards, Chris awards Britt the group rose and walks back to where the other girls have been sitting around for hours wondering where Chris and Britt went on the “group” date. Carly is clearly disappointed to see the rose go to Britt figuring her best shot to win anything would be in the singing category. But Chris is smitten and glows as he gives Britt the rose. Meanwhile the girls are angry at this slight and offer grimaces that “regular” boyfriends would shudder to see. Chris leaves Britt to sit defensively with the girls trying to minimize the damage while at the same time reveling in a great night for her. Chris can’t leave fast enough but let’s Britt take one for the team.

The girls all see Britt as a front runner but next we get to see Chris on a 2 on 1 with Ashley and Kelsey the murderer. I never thought I would find myself on TEAM ASHLEY but here I am rooting for her to survive at the expense of the crazy murderer. But you are who you are and in short order Ashley melts down and Chris knows he has to let her go. She is clearly high maintenance and we all recognize she would need a whole team of farmers to keep her happy. Ashley frantically tries to give up Kelsey and Britt and anyone else she can to get some footing on the rocky slope but it isn’t going to work. I think she may have blamed the guy on the grassy knoll as a final salvo but Chris just had enough and strolled off to deal with the murderer.

  We are not shedding any tears at the loss of Ashley as we await more of Kelsey.

Then Chris has a chat with Kelsey. After some hemming and hawing, as farmers are wont to hem and haw, Chris says he and Kelsey are on different wavelengths. We think Kelsey is on a different planet but at least our farmer is making a good choice her especially if he wants to live another week or two. Out she goes and in one of the best scenes in the history of the Bachelor we are treated to a peek at the girls as they learn first that Ashley has put on the skates and then again when Kelsey’s bags are taken out. The girls respond to Kelsey’s exit with an impromptu celebration complete with champagne. All in all, it is probably not a great sign if your housemates all shriek for joy and rush to pour the champagne when you are gone. 

Megan survived all this I think because no one bothered to ask her where North Dakota is but first thing the next week Chris took her aside and said he was not feeling it and  sent her home. Hopefully the producers arranged the transportation for her. So now Chris has the pool down to six and we are getting a feeling for each candidate. The next trip is to Iowa and we shall see how the lassies respond to being in a tiny place in Northeast Ohio. I have noticed a small new evolution. Lebron James refers to his hometown in Northeast Ohio and now we learn the farm is in Northeast Ohio as if the finite geographical qualification will make this more defined for us. Well I am now writing from Southwest Ct if that helps.

Britt is an LA city girl and although she is seeded at the top in the attraction category by even the girls she is clearly going to struggle in a place where the top attraction is walking into some old guy’s house for a coffee.  Not enough action? How about no action whatsoever. No movies, no shopping, no people and a lot of closed businesses. The place looks like a set for an Armageddon movie where everyone has been wiped out by an alien disease and we don’t even have Will Smith to fight the Aliens. Britt knows she is not going to be spending any more time here than she has to.  We know too. The only one who doesn’t though is Chris.

 None of the girls would plan to move there on their own and we can see they are worried. By this time, our girls have grown to like being celebrities and the center of attention. But now they need to fake enthusiasm because Chris has set the bar very high for candidates as this is where he plans to be.

Carly seems to genuinely think she could handle this because she is ready to give up singing on cruise ships. But when Britt gets a closer look at the “town” she looks like she has been told she has contracted a nasty strain of Ebola. But she tells Chris she finds the place “charming” which I interpret as LA speak for “what a dump”.

Chris has another tough call with 2 slated to leave after this trip and hears from Carly who is now desperate to stay alive while she privately worries she is at the bottom of the leader board.  Carly gives up Britt as not being quite sincere about loving Iowa. Carly is adopting a very risky strategy to give up other chicks but she feels she has to try anything. Chris for his part seems interested in this line of discussion as he wonders if he sees one Britt while “the world” sees another. This is a recurring bachelor theme the producers seem to trot out every season  but I have also drawn the conclusion that the girls who the other girls like is probably very likable and the girls despised are likely best left alone. Britt would definitely fall in the high maintenance category and if she were in Iowa I give three weeks at the latest before she goes crazy.

Chris sees the light and says goodbye to Britt and Curly gets caught in the riptide and we get down to four and a hometown set of trips.

 Chris take a trip to Louisiana where Becca’s family seems stunned by the fact she might be dating somebody. Chris does not say it but we know she will not be the winner or the next bachelorette as she is too young and inexperienced. The real race in this contest is to be the next bachelorette and I don’t have a top candidate yet. Whitney displays some humor on her trip and she is the most engaging of the girls and could really be a good fit for our boy. Jade takes Chris to a house in Nebraska where Jade gives Chris a “nude awakening” and drops the little tidbit that she posed for Playboy. Let’s see a young beautiful girl from Nebraska moves to LA to be a model and ends up meeting an “agent” that with his pals from Kazakhstan convince her she has a career in movies. That story has never been told before and I think it gives Chris the idea that Jade can go.

So we head into next week with Kara the dance instructor with a sense of humor, Whitney and Becca. I think we lose Becca next week and then he goes with Whitney in the final. But we shall see.

Two out of Three aint bad

We enter the show with our farmer having the brutal responsibility of whittling down his roster of three candidates for true love to two ladies.

But your faithful correspondent is looking at the bigger picture and trying to figure out who the real winner is –that is which of the ladies will be selected  to be the next bachelorette. Alert readers may recall Andi took the occasion of a botched evening in the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo to parlay a crying fit into the next season of the Bachelorette . Looking from the point of view of a young Bachelorette ( admittedly a bit of a stretch given my age, gender and perspective ) I ask  what is a better prospect: 1) a 6 month show traveling around the world for exotic dates with handsome guys working hard to get your attention or 2) moving to Arlington, Iowa and checking corn prices every morning ?  From this perspective I understand Britt’s approach to be a top candidate but bow out with a flurry on the diminished enthusiasm to move to the farm. Britt had her eye on the Bachelorette role from the start. She might not be as far sighted as Bill Belichek  but I think she had a plan.  

Our farmer, whom we can call Prince Farming  now, meets Kaitlyn our bubbly dance instructor in Bali. We see an exchange where Kaitlyn  professes she is falling in love with our boy and he responds he is falling in love too.   I am surprised he tosses this out as bachelors are historically reserved  with regard to the “L” word .( Bachelor Nation can recall Juanny Pabs “I like you ..a lot” . The lads want to hear the ‘L’ word from the  candidates to be assured of their emotional commitment but they  hold back offering the sentiment because there exists a strong likelihood they will need to cut loose the candidate.  At this point. Kaitlin and Prince farming seems to get along nicely and  I see the final coming down to Kaitlyn and Whitney who remains the top seed.  

Chris chats up Whitney and in one of the worst sales jobs ever seen, he points out Arlington, Iowa  has absolutely nothing to do and if he wants to do anything he needs to drive three or four hours . I am sure the townies appreciate this depiction but  in fairness the place  did look pretty boring.  Whitney though is savvy and offers that babies are her solution and she imagines lots of them. This response  triggers another make out session ( # 456 by my count) to affirm their future in the corn fields. Whitney seems the most mature and is ready for this step. The years in the fertility clinic has her geared to family and babies and Chris responds with enthusiasm. She seems to be the right fit.

Up last is Becca, our young one from Louisiana.  Thus far, I thought her a bit bland compared to others, especially Kaitlyn  but she seems to have caught  the interest of Price Farming. Who knows if it is the scent of her hair or the touch of her skin but he seems a bit smitten. The animal kingdom has numerous manifestations of the mate selection rituals. We can’t know or feel what he feels or responds to , but something has triggered  his interest.

  

At the same time as all this , Warren  Buffett has seen fit to release his annual report and letter. In it, he offer the blueprint of his success was a simple maxim:” Forget what you know about buying fair businesses at wonderful prices; instead buy wonderful businesses at fair prices.”

Well this reinforces a earlier observation where he opined that “selecting a marriage partner clearly requires more demanding criteria than does dating.”  ( yes this quote is in there)

So Chris is left with a heavy burden that even Warren Buffett might describe as Herculean.

We come to the bachelor nation rose ceremony  ritual and Chris is dressed up in local garb, while the ladies  have a tropical look that lets us know that humid climates don’t help their hair.

Chris selects Whitney for the first rose .  He  hesitates between Kaitlyn and Becca. Eventually he pulls the trigger and keeps Becca on hand for the finale. I admit to being upset at this choice and shouting oh no! on Kaitlyn’s behalf. But at least she is now in the running for the next bachelorette although I think she is seeded 3^rd or 4th and faces an uphill climb.

Whitney seems to be a lock from this vantage point and after the final rose  we will likely forget Becca as quickly  as we forget who lost the super bowl two years ago.

This  week  the girls came back to relive their experience and  jockey for the next bachelorette gig.

We see Britt cry and Kaitlyn wonder where it fell apart but the highlight is crazy Ashley S . Ashely relives some moments where there were questions about her sanity but then she gives a little smile that lets us sense she was playing the whole time. When she greets Chris with a “nice to meet you” we can see  she has treated this whole affair as a lark  and was making fun of the whole thing. I admit to being impressed and root for her to be a surprise Bachelorette. She is the anti Jeter of bachelorettes . Where as Jeter never said or did anything controversial or inflammatory Ashely S will only be doing or saying controversial things. I say bring her on. You would definitely watch that show.

Next Monday we get to watch Chris make his choice and I would be surprised to see anything but Whitney. But we are dealing  with matters of the heart so who knows. But if they can wrap up the Downton Abbey season with happy endings so too can the Bachelor.

How you gonna keep him down on the farm?

We finally arrive at the final rose show. Chris Harrison teases us predicting the uncertainty surrounding the final rose ceremony will be astonishing with Chris expected to hand out the final rose and propose marriage to last Bachelorlette standing.

I am still disappointed Becca was selected last week to make the finals over Kaitlyn. But I figure that Kaitlyn has a good shot of being the next bachelorette so I can start the grieving process now. Hmmm  Ok  grieving for Kaitlyn handled… and off we go.

Chris has a couple hours here to wrestle with his choice and hold our attention. As always, Chris postures these choices as incredibly hard. Each week he raises the scale on the hardest thing he has had to do in his life, by reducing the roster by one.

At this point, I can be glad he was not prime minister of England in 1940,(Winston Churchill was serving that role) when the  intelligence agents intercepted German plans to bomb Coventry. But warning the city of Coventry and its 300,000 residents of the imminent threat would have alerted the Germans to the fact that their codes had been cracked and their security breached. Churchill considered it worth the sacrifice of a whole city and its people to protect his back-door route into Berlin’s secrets.  Now THAT was a hard choice…….

But hey we are talking about life on the farm so lets bring ion our candidates!

Whitney arrives with a big smile and hug and the confidence of an athlete being heavily favored to win. The only fans in Bachelor Nation playing at home that give Becca a chance is on the basis of a fluke conclusion by the farmer-and we all know that can happen so there is some uncertiantly

We already know Whitney is geared up for the farm and wearing plaid shirts and moving to Iowa. She waltzes into the family house and is immediately chummy with everyone. I was waiting for them to assemble for the Christmas picture with Whitney in the middle. But then at the dinner table Whitney starts a toast that lasts longer than Colin Powell’s speech at the 2009 Franklin and Marshall College graduation.  Whitney goes over the top and then keeps going on from there wanting to make sure there is no doubt that she going for the throat. Any doubters had to be convinced after this speech that Becca may as well head back to California now. I do relate to Whitney’s enthusiasm for the farmers family. Whitney lost her dad early and her mother died early as well. She clearly wants

 to be part of a family.  And people from fractured families that observe caring families are drawn to the warmth and unity and want to be a part of that. When I met Eileen’s family and observed the bonds they had with one another I wanted that too and for the family I had imagined in the future. So yes, I am on board the Team Whitney train.

Becca arrives shortly after Whitney leaves and Summy barks at her as Summy is not over the Kaitlyn dumping. We appease Summy with a treat and move on…

Becca is in the same position as the guy stepping into the shortstop gig for the Yankees after Jeter. No matter what the new guy does it will never be enough.

The timing in the lives for Whitney and Chris is about perfect. They both seem to have plans and priorities headed in the same direction at the same time. Becca, however, is much younger and less focused on her immediate future and not all in a position to affirm she is ready to go to Iowa and have babies and shuck corn. Although I am still vague about what shucking entails, I don’t have the sense it will prove to be a huge draw. But we find ourselves sitting thru a painful exchange where Chris tries his best to have Becca give him something to maintain the remote possibility he MIGHT pick her by teeing her up with wide open questions like where do you see yourself in five years. I wanted to answer for her and say  “well ,surely not in friggin’  Arlington ,Iowa.” But Becca to her credit basically said I have not figured all that out yet. So some points for honestly a but a ticket for home comes with that response and a “thanks for playing”  pat on the back.

So despite the producers best efforts to inject suspense in here we proceed to the barn where Chris gives Becca a “hey it’s not you, well yeah it is you” talk and puts a fork in Becca to her seeming relief.  We then wait and see a truly nice proposal and expression of caring and love from our final rose winner Whitney.  

But I wonder. They seem the right fit and have for a few weeks now. But physics students know all about the observer effect. The observer effect is simply the measurement of certain systems cannot be made without affecting the systems.

We have been watching Prince farming for the better part of a year now including the Andi season of the Bachelorette. When he walks into a room now everyone knows him and he is a celebrity. Is he going to be happy back in Iowa with no one around to fawn over him? He has been observed by millions now and it would be stunning to think he has not changed from it. Did Whitney skate to where the puck was and not where it was going to be ? Is Chris going to be happy back on the farm looking out over corn fields without the adulation and attention of millions?  Well his next step is Dancing with the Stars and if his dancing is anything like his singing he won’t need to rent that apartment for very  long.

There was a song that became popular in 1918 after World War 1 when farm boys came home after fighting WW1 in Europe. The song was how are you goona keep ‘em down on the farm after they have seen Paree.

Here is an excerpt of the lyrics:

How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm
After they've seen Paree'
How ya gonna keep 'em away from Broadway
Jazzin around and paintin' the town
How ya gonna keep 'em away from harm, that's a mystery
They'll never want to see a rake or plow
And who the deuce can parleyvous a cow?

All in all, Chris is very likable and so is Whitney. I find myself pulling for Whitney and she seems to want the same things we can all relate to: Someone to love and a family to express and live out the love. I wish her luck.

After the final rose, we learn that the next bachelorette will be a choice between Britt and Kaitlyn. It seems the 25 guys will pick which of the two they want to serve the role of the bachelorette in a reverse rose ceremony.

I prefer Kaitlyn and so does Summy but we shall see what 25 guys think.